Alienation Busters™

This marvelous book, a New York Times Book of the Year, shows how things look very different depending on our perspective—an important lesson for alienated children. In addition to alienated parents, therapists should consider using this book in their work with alienated children.

From the publisher’s description: Alexander T. Wolf writes from the pig penitentiary where he’s doing time for his alleged crimes of 10 years ago. Here is the “real” story of the three little pigs whose houses are huffed and puffed to smithereens—from the wolf’s perspective. This poor, much maligned wolf has gotten a bad rap. He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, with a sneezy cold, innocently trying to borrow a cup of sugar to make his granny a cake.

Is it his fault those ham dinners—rather, pigs—build such flimsy homes? Sheesh.

In Divorce Poison I tell the Hasidic tale of the man who learns about the damage caused by malicious speech. Madonna retells this tale in language that is perfect for children. The story is lovingly illustrated and makes the lesson vivid.

Set in a tiny American town, Mr. Peabody is an elementary school teacher and Little League coach who dedicates his summer Saturdays to the local losing team. He seems to savor life the way he savors his weekly apple—taking pleasure in the little things.

One weekend after the game, Tommy Tittlebottom watches Mr. Peabody take his apple without paying for it. The following weekend Tommy calls in reinforcements to witness Mr. Peabody’s transgression. By the next Saturday, the apparent theft has become grist for the Happville rumor mill and no one comes to Little League practice.

A simple explanation puts the rumors to rest, but as Mr. Peabody points out in a poignant demonstration, small talk can often lead to big trouble for everyone. This is an excellent story to use with children when discussing the harm caused by gossip, lies, and bad-mouthing a parent.

Movies and television shows can be an entertaining, low-anxiety strategy for introducing important themes. Certain shows allow you to talk about mind control, hypnosis, brainwashing, parent–child relationships, and even difficult divorces in a relaxed atmosphere. The same children who would shut down if you tried to discuss their alienation directly will often take part in a conversation about a hypnotized child or a brainwashed assassin.

The following list shows the wide range of possibilities and the potential of this strategy to help open communication between you and your children. These shows can have value simply if your children watch them. If you watch them together, you at least share an enjoyable activity.

The shows will have their biggest payoff if you can initiate a conversation and successfully engage your children in the discussion. The principles of indirect communication and graduated exposure, discussed in detail in Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing, are applicable here.

Don’t be too quick to relate the movie to your child’s own situation. You do not want to arouse resistance. Learning about related situations lays a foundation that you can draw on in future conversations. Given the frustration of rejected parents, the temptation will be to move too quickly. Opening a closed mind is a delicate operation. Take your time and you are more likely to meet with success.

Recommended by an alienated mother. In the process of exploiting the chipmunks for personal gain, record mogul Ian tells lies about Dave to get the chipmunks to turn against him.

If young children hear you being bad-mouthed, you might watch this with them and then ask if they think anyone could ever trick them into not loving you. You can role-play how they would react if someone tried to turn them against you. If they already are alienated, you might simply comment that you hope the chipmunks get smart enough to understand that they are being tricked; otherwise it is sad that they will not be able to get along well with Dave.

Recommended by an alienated mother. A young girl comes to know a grandfather she had never known before because her mother had been alienated from him. The film gently illustrates how reconciliation can open the door to extended family relationships.

After realizing that Debra places bets with the kids on his questionable behavior traits, Ray is disgusted that his children now think he’s a “doof.” Reflecting on his own childhood, Ray remembers that Marie used to complain about Frank in front of him, making him think his dad was a loser.

Concerned that his own kids will think of him the same way as Frank, Ray has to consider how to get the kids back on his side. This episode illustrates how one parent can portray the other in a negative light to children, even unintentionally.

Episodes in which Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton are hypnotized. These shows can introduce the idea of people behaving in ways they don’t fully understand because of outside influences.

Notable for its clear portrayal of Captain Hook enticing a boy to renounce his father. A powerful way to talk about how a charming adult might encourage a child to reject a loving parent.

This movie can stimulate a discussion of people acting without voluntary control. It provides a metaphor for the way alienated children can seem to change personalities under the influence of divorce poison.

A movie about a boy whose father dies and comes back to life as a snowman. The film speaks volumes about the importance of a father to a child and the irreplaceable bond between them.

June lines up a dog-walking job for Beaver, unaware that he and his friends believe that the owner of the dog is a witch who lives in a haunted house.

Beaver: “How come people sometimes think people are things that they aren’t?”
Father: “Well, Beaver, sometimes we don’t take time to figure things out for ourselves. We make up our minds on the basis of rumors and first impressions. If they happen to be wrong, then we’re wrong too.”

This dialogue provides an excellent starting point for helping children understand how rumors and first impressions can distort their view of a parent.

Recommended by Andrew. Shows how an exiled lioness influences her son against Simba, the pride leader. When the son returns to the pride to kill the Lion King, he comes to realize that the leader is good.

A good film to spark critical thinking about whose perspective to trust and how opinions can change with new information.

Bergman’s enchanting production of Mozart’s beloved opera (in Swedish with English subtitles) depicts the coming-of-age of Princess Pamina. Her estranged father kidnaps her from her adored mother, who immediately hires a young rescuer, Tamino.

Pamina’s world turns upside down as she and Tamino discover that her rescue has already taken place—and that they must prove themselves brave enough to carry forth a message of love. The story illustrates how appearances can be deceiving and loyalties can shift with greater understanding.

For older children and teens, this is a gripping film illustrating the frightening extent to which a person can be brainwashed. It can be used to open a conversation about how powerful influences can distort someone’s thinking about people they love.

Portrays the pain of a parent being kept apart from his children, and the lengths to which he goes to stay in their lives. A useful film for illustrating children’s ongoing need for both parents.

A heartwarming story about a father who abandoned his son and, when the mother later died, essentially sold the boy to the mother’s sister and her husband, the obvious candidates for custody. The boy wants to know his father, and the action proceeds from there.

The film teaches lessons about redemption, seeing the good in a parent previously seen only in a one-dimensional “bad” light, and finding positives in a flawed parent with whom a child can profitably identify. Adults and children alike can enjoy this drama.

Original series, Episode 60. An evil spirit turns young children against their parents to gain power. This episode offers a clear metaphor for outside forces encouraging children to reject the adults who care for them.

Original series, Episode 11. An evil psychiatrist uses a mechanical hypnotizing device to control and ruin minds, including Captain Kirk’s. A science-fiction illustration of coercive influence and loss of independent judgment.

Episode 614. Captain Janeway is alarmed when crew members begin suffering horrific memories of participating in wartime slaughter. The memories are implanted but seem so real that the victims are sure their memories are accurate.

One person asks, “Won’t you even consider the possibility that the memories are not real?” This can help children understand that vivid memories and strong feelings are not always reliable guides to the truth.

Original series, Episode 22. A despot named Landru controls the minds of a whole society and ensnares Enterprise crew members. This episode can open a discussion about group pressure and surrendering one’s independent thinking.

A classic portrayal of women whose husbands have stripped them of their own will. This film can be used as a powerful metaphor for people whose personalities and choices are overridden by someone else’s agenda.

Shows that even a parent with many flaws occupies a unique space in the hearts of his children. Useful for challenging black-and-white, all-bad views of a rejected parent.

Shows the importance of a mother to her daughter despite conflicts in their relationship. This can support discussions about staying connected even when there is disagreement.

This Disney movie includes a powerful scene where the mother warns Rapunzel about the dangers of the outside world to convince her to stay in the tower. It can be used to discuss how a parent’s anxiety could fuel manipulation and control through fear to keep a child from connecting with others.

Janet’s disfigured face makes her an outcast. She undergoes treatment aimed at making her appear more normal, but worries about her fate if the treatment fails. This classic episode has a twist ending that leaves a lasting impression about the importance of seeing things from more than one perspective.

Fear and prejudice turn neighbor against neighbor. Without preaching, this show illustrates the power and destructiveness of mob psychology.

It can be used to encourage children to recognize the influence of others on their attitudes and the importance of exercising critical thinking rather than simply following the crowd.